it’s been a long time

so it’s almost been a month since i last updated…

finished my exams abt 2 to 3 weeks ago… it didn’t go too well… in fact I’m expecting to repeat one module. the results are coming out in a weeks time and I’m hoping things will be better than I thought. At this point of time I can only hope and wait.

so the day of my last paper, I went to CCK to meet upwith my monkey… i didn’t feel like going home so I had gone to meet her and surprisingly I didn’t feel too sad or anything. Talking to her actually was pretty great. The whole idea of it was a little strange… cause it’s like I never really talked to von at all and this was the first time. Thanks monkey von…. We’ll get that night out to the clubs… haha!!

Went to meet bu later that night… felt great to have my bu with me… played some games and all… didn’t want to go home but had to.

So then the next day I met adz… surprise surprise!! She’s stopped smoking!! I realised it after sitting outside coffee bean for like an hour and she hadn’t light a singe cig… I had picked to sit outside for her to smoke but later realised she hadn’t!!! So I asked and found out she had quit like months ago… so happy!!!!! anyway it felt great to talk to her…

so then the week of spring cleaning began… my mum had gotten the place repainted and my sis and I had new blankets and stuff…. redecorated a bit…. when I say redecorated I mean the things in our room just got shifted here and there…. the furniture is sadly still the same… lol….

CNY was pretty much the same… We went visiting and all…. got ang baos… went to aunty saylee’s place and played with Bandit… absoultely so cute… it’s sad but yet funny to see the relatives so scared of him… I mean he’s big but really gentle… lol.. I went to Sa’s place for visiting and as usual it’s the best place to go. Her parents took me to crystal jade at Tamp mall then for coffee at Marine Parade…

The next day I went to auntie maggie’s pub cause they had some special opening where they give ang baos to close friends and relatives and employees… hahaha…. I went to drop by Vivo to buy doughnuts first…. cause sa loves them and ended up waiting like 2 hours!!! Stupid…. I went there early but they didn’t have all flavours ready….. aarrgghh…. but it was still all good… I still got to the pub before auntie maggie… hee…

I met up with sherwin yest… had a great time… we went for drinks went we met and before we went home. Went to watch “Ghost Rider” which was kinda stupid. I miss my ITE friends… intellectual conversations and laughter all round… people who I like and can get along really well with.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been thinking of whether or not I shld be working… I’ve been called up by Lawrence and Co…. but I kinda lost the number for that…. and then auntie maggie has asked if I wanted to help out in the pub… but  figured for the last few holidays that I’ve had, I’d work and ended up stressing myself so I decided to take a nice rest tihis time round before 2nd yr came and I had to stress somemore.

The last year was good, bad and stressful…. the stress had brought itself over to this year… over the last month I’ve been stressing over on whether or not I shld give up something I treasured and loved so much. But something kept ringing in my head… something von had said to me… ‘you didn’t do anything wrong. Why should you be the one trying so hard?’….. it kinda had a big affect on me and got me thinking. So the verdict? I’ll give her the space she needs and the time to sort out her shit… i’ll wait… but for how long I don’t know. But I’m done trying… I’ve given my all… if i mean as much as you say I do… then you better get it together… cause I’m done hurting… feeling alone… standing by and watch you do things that I’m not allowed to. You can tell ur friends what u want now… but the truth will come out eventually. You are not getting younger and you should stop pretending to be a kid… everyone has to grow up. I love you baby, i really do…. but you can’t keep treating me the way you do… and say you love me. Lessons have to be learnt and I have to let you learn them on your own. I was ready to let you go when you came and told me how much you love me, I didn’t know what to think. I’m afraid that the feelings I once had for you is gone cause I can’t trust you and the sercurity is gone. I just hope things can be worked out and all this shit will be over soon…

I have another month to go before school reopens… I hope things get better… although the last week has been pretty good to me… *sigh*… I can only continue to hope and pray that thinhgs will be gd to me…

Hell Has No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

I am lost… I don’t know where to go… what to do….

Sometimes you try so hard… try too hard… but how can you make something work if u r the only one trying?

In one week… one week ago…
it was bliss…
it was strong…
it was kind…
it was sweet…
it was gentle…
it was true…

one week later…
it was lies…
it was arrogance…
it was cruel…
it was cunning…
it was hurtful…
it was heartless….
it was impatient…
that’s how much things have changed in one week… short tempered and impatient… I had become a burden… an embarassement….

Just to become someone who everyone likes… you put on a mask…. shune people away… just to be popular….

I’ve been in those shoes once… popular… it isn’t all as it seems… it isn’t as wonderful… fun… accepting… I had it… twice… somethings good came out of it…. but at a price…

But i have never seen popularity hurt someone this bad… I didn’t know it was so important that everyone… everything was thrown away for it… selling thy soul….

What do we do when the urge of acceptance has taken over the heart? What do we do when popularity has taken over the place of the person that was once life to us?

Hell has no fury, like a woman scorned….     

My sister found the cutest thing in Bangkok….

Belated Christmas gift…..

Been feeling a little better over the last couple of hours…

Hopefully, it’ll get even better….

anyway, met bu and she gave me my christmas gift…. absolutely so cute!!!!!

Hahaha…. thanks bu!!

Everything I see now is a blur… my depression has taken over my life… my relationship… my paranoia is worst than ever…

The exams have been tough… so much so that I feel like I have to retake all 3 modules in year 2. I couldn’t get myself to study over the weekend. I wanted to…. but I couldn’t. Cried for the last 48 hours… whY? I don’t really know myself… at first I thought it was because of us… but now… I don’t really think so.

I just feel like giving up on my studies… it seems hopeless for me now.

I would have thought that in times like this, the one person that mattered… would care… support and comfort me. But I was greatly disappointed.

Ever since Da had become popular in class… people asking her out… giving her so much attention that her head has become so filled with pride, she’d chucked me aside. Despite the fact that her schedule for school is full, she still finds time to play pool with her friends… and then tells me she’s tired. My imagination? My paranoia? You tell me.

The sad thing is, everytime things get tough she runs… hides and waits till the storm blows over. And I am expected to hold things together. She asked me…. what I wanted her to do? Funny question… I am in no position to think for myself… much less telling her what to do. I don’t even know what I want!!

Support… is it something that some people just cannot give? Don’t know how to give?

I thought when people were hurting, the people who claimed they loved them would be there to support each other.

She says, she’s lost. Then what about me? I’m going crazy!! And then she blames her physical illness on me… it’s like I am not allowed to break down… but she is.

What am I to do now? What am I suppose to think?

For the one person who claims to love me is leaving me to dogs, while she protects her reputation.

I have never been so lost in my life.

BSB - Love Is

Once there was a time
Love was just a myth
Just wasn’t for real
Didn’t exist
‘Til the day you came into my life
It forced me to think twice
I didn’t have too much
No I wasn’t rich
You came to believe someday I’d be more than this
That’s why to this day I am still your man
Cause you made me understand that..

Love is..
waking up to see your face
or kissing in the morning rain
At the end of the day
Backstreet Boys 

Purest Of Pain

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call
but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it
and so I surrender just to hear your voice
I know how many times I said I'm gonna to live with out you
and maybe someone else is standing there beside you
but there's something baby that you need to know
that deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.
Vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that I need to live
the air that I breathe
carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my day's are so cold and lonely
and each night I taste
the purest of pain.
I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better every day
that it didn't hurt me when you walked away
but to tell you the truth I can't find my way
and deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.t
Vida, give me back...

Paranoia has taken over my life

With all the fears and paranoia in the last few days, it’s made me crazy. I don’t know what to believe and I don’t know what’s true and what’s not.

Things right now are all over the place. Da’s been overwhelmed with all the attention and I’m feeling abandoned, like everything is falling apart. Been wondering how much of everything the last 2 years was real.

Now you feel being pampered by a guy… then once your done, u come back? I can’t stick around and wait till you finish playing… once you finish getting what you want, then come looking for me. Just because of the moment you are in, you ignore everyone who was ever there for you… and when once the people who u thought were your friends leave and betray you, you come looking for us again. It doesn’t work like that…

I wish I could protect you from your mistakes but you have to fall and learn to climb back up urself. I can only hope for the best… and the lessons won’t be too hard on you.

Trying to be strong when times get hard is tough… you start feeling like the love isn’t very strong anymore… you been to think that everything is coming to an end…. you begin to think the worst of everything.  It is times like this that cause many of us to fall apart. I just think about everything that we’ve been through…. both hard and great times…. is it worth it? Fighting… sticking together… believing that things will get better. Right now, I still believe it… despite the fact that I feel like i’m in a ditch, i don’t think it is time to give up. Time is not up yet.

Tell me what to do… what’s going on…

Take my heart…
Hold it in the palm of you hand…
watch it beat…
Hold it tighter by the second…
It holds the scars…
the secrets…
the pain…
the truth…
the anger…
the happiness
It’s the cause of all my sufferings…
Take my heart…
Watch it beat…
Stop all my sufferings…